I left you because I was afraid. Even if I couldn’t see it back then. Couldn’t see past my own fears of intimacy and commitment.
I often wonder if I did the right thing. Was leaving you ever a choice I should have considered? Was leaving ever worth the pain that I caused? At the time, the impact of my actions and the destruction that I left far outweighed the guilt and remorse I didn’t feel.
But now I see it perfectly clear — what fear really means. Fear is the ultimate destroyer of connection because it makes you doubt the very foundations of a relationship. It places seeds of hesitation in your mind that make you incapable of committing to perfectly stable and healthy relationships even if you wanted to. And I let it dictate my life as well how I treated others, inevitably cutting connections with people who I cared the most about.
In doing some self-reflection, I have realized that with you was the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve also realized, in hindsight, that you’ve checked off all the boxes I could want in a person. You were the same as me, with the same quirky features and similar aspirations that we always dreamed of achieving together. And I lost that because I wasn’t ready and because I let fear govern my thoughts and my actions. I wasn’t ready to give you everything when you had given me your all.